7 Months 5 Days single

I'm officially 7 month 5 days single ^^

— ♔ xyra ♔ (@_xyyra) May 8, 2015

This seems like an oddly specific thing to make official. We didn't go back and look, but I cant' imagine Xyra has done this every day on her account. Why would she? But then, why would she choose seven months, five days to make it official? 

Slowest Eater Ever

I'm officially the slowest eater ever 😳

— C WILL (@ColeWilliams_12) May 5, 2015

This might actually be a thing. I mean, they have the hot dog eating contest every year and there are speed eating competitions all over the place. So if there's a fastest, there must also be a slowest. And Cole here is, indeed, that person.

He may never reach the fame and stardom that Joey Chestnut has achieved, but don't let that get you down Cole. You are a record holder. I mean, no one would lie about this, would they?

A super model

I'm officially a super model.... Okay hand model but I feel super to get a paycheck so....

— Jordan Laesch (@JLaesch) May 5, 2015

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Please aspire to something higher than George Constanza's dream. Having said that, Jordan, here is going to be in high demand as anyone he dates can now say they're dating a super model. 

Team iPhone

So I’m officially #teamiphone. Let’s see how this goes lol

— Samantha Reine (@CuzImAReinegade) May 5, 2015

My wife has an iPhone. I have an Android. Neither of us received any sort of official documentation for our purchase, other than a receipt and a monthly bill. No certificates. No invites to team functions. Nothing. Just a phone.

I'm betting this goes like any other purchase in that you rationalize the decision to make it seem like you made the best decision. Not just you, Samantha. We all do this. Whether it's phones or cars or where to eat dinner, we all justify our decisions to put ourselves in the best possible light in our own minds. But don't worry, it's just a phone. If you don't like it, you can always get a different one soon.

And if there are team gatherings and parties, please let my wife know.

Over Fake Internet Outrage

I'm officially over fake internet outrage. No more reading of comments on anything. People are complete idiots.

— Jerry Kern (@jerrykern5) May 5, 2015

Seriously, don't read the comments. 

Officiall a senior

Guys I'm officially a senior in college. Where does time go?

— Caitlin (@paynekxllers) May 5, 2015

First off, congratulations Caitlin. You're a senior, that's awesome, keep up the good work.

Now that you're a senior, we can now tell you the secret. Time goes forward. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, it goes forward at the speed of life.

But you asked where it went?  If we remember Einstein's theory correctly, if you can travel the speed of light, time would essentially stop. But, presumably, you're not traveling the speed of light. So time, for us, simply goes by. Somewhere into the fabric of the universe. The actions we take simply vanish into the cosmos. Much like the actions of all those who have gone before us.

If it's not too late, we recommend a philosophy course during your senior year so you can learn about this and other important life questions.

Just left the DMV

Just left the DMV 😎 I'm officially 23 😝

— Z (@__Zaee) May 1, 2015

Since when is the DMV the official arbiter of  age? We've always kind of taken for granted that the earth's journey around the sun is what made someone officially an age. Z, here, for example, would be 23 because he's been on the planet for 23 trips around the sun. I'm not sure what the Department of Motor Vehicles has to do with this.

We're going to be like Lewis Black now, when he overheard "if it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college" and not be able to understand the connection between the two. Thanks, Z, for never letting us get a good night's sleep again

The Weird girl at the library

oh jesus now I'm officially that weird girl at the library who actually looks at the books 👀

— ❁Felicia (@FeliciaMercury) May 1, 2015

Come on Felicia. Libraries are wonderful repositories of pages and pages of human knowledge and creativity collected in one location for the intellectually curious to gather and learn.  Centuries ago people yearned for such an extensive collection of information in one place. A place where one could go to learn more about astronomy or history or baseball or cooking. A place where one could read of the adventures of Huckleberry Finn or see if Captain Ahab gets his white whale.

So don't think of your self as "that weird girl" who looks at books at the library. You're among the knowledge seekers hoping to learn more about this amazing world we live in.

Can No Longer Spell

I officially can no longer spell

— Jeff Ma (@jeffma) May 6, 2015

We're scared to make any jokes here. Jeff Ma, if you don't know,  was the inspiration for the book Bringing Down the House and the movie 21 about the MIT Blackjack Team. He's currently a "predictive analytics expert" working at ESPN and has been on the ESPN Fantasy Baseball podcast I listen to. Basically, Ma is the most intelligent person yet who we've come across making something official that really has no business being official.

Despite his proclamation, he did manage to get all six words correct in this tweet.

On Summer Vacation

I'm officially on summer vacation
— #AllHailHawaii (@madeinHAWAII_) April 29, 2015

Behold, a time traveler. Summer doesn't start until June 21 (using the Gregorian Calendar that seems standard across the world), yet @madeinHAWAII is already officially on summer vacation. We hope you'll tell us what the future is like and use your time traveling abilities for good and not evil.

Single Digits Till 21

We are officially in single digits till 21, this is not a drill. I repeat single digit days away till I'm 21, this is not a drill!!!
— Shane Carmody (@moose_carmody) April 29, 2015

What, exactly, would a drill for a person being single digits till 21? When we had friends who were single digits away from turning 21, you know what we did? We went about our day? We went to class, we studied, we hung out and we did what normal people do when there's a day that isn't special.

Is that what we're supposed to be doing now? 

I mean, we guess it's a little late to start practicing going about my day normally as clearly the time for drills has passed. We'll just wing it and keep doing what we normally do and hope it's right.

(Happy Birthday Shane)

Not a Moron

I'm officially not a moron! Hope it doesn't get bent pic.twitter.com/bIK4IZHMKJ
— Josh Blakley (@JoshBlakley21) April 24, 2015

Kudos, I guess, Josh. I mean, congrats on your diploma, that's awesome and all.  And we're glad you're not a moron, though we here at the Official Official blog don't believe getting a diploma makes you not a moron. A diploma simply shows that you've completed the necessary coursework to earn a degree from a what I assume to be accredited institution. The knowledge and skills you've gained through those courses is what truly makes you not a moron.

Done giving an effort

It's 9:55 AM and I'm officially done giving an effort to do work today
— bay ☪ (@BayleeBassett) April 24, 2015

Seems like the process of making it official is more trouble than it's worth.

Also, impressive that she made it to 9:55. There are days I don't make it past turning on my computer before I'm done giving effort for the day, but I don't out and make it official. I just scroll down twitter looking for things to poke gentle fun at on a poorly read blog. I hope Baylee found something to keep her occupied the rest of the day.