7 Months 5 Days single

I'm officially 7 month 5 days single ^^

— ♔ xyra ♔ (@_xyyra) May 8, 2015

This seems like an oddly specific thing to make official. We didn't go back and look, but I cant' imagine Xyra has done this every day on her account. Why would she? But then, why would she choose seven months, five days to make it official? 

Slowest Eater Ever

I'm officially the slowest eater ever 😳

— C WILL (@ColeWilliams_12) May 5, 2015

This might actually be a thing. I mean, they have the hot dog eating contest every year and there are speed eating competitions all over the place. So if there's a fastest, there must also be a slowest. And Cole here is, indeed, that person.

He may never reach the fame and stardom that Joey Chestnut has achieved, but don't let that get you down Cole. You are a record holder. I mean, no one would lie about this, would they?

A super model

I'm officially a super model.... Okay hand model but I feel super to get a paycheck so....

— Jordan Laesch (@JLaesch) May 5, 2015

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Please aspire to something higher than George Constanza's dream. Having said that, Jordan, here is going to be in high demand as anyone he dates can now say they're dating a super model. 

Team iPhone

So I’m officially #teamiphone. Let’s see how this goes lol

— Samantha Reine (@CuzImAReinegade) May 5, 2015

My wife has an iPhone. I have an Android. Neither of us received any sort of official documentation for our purchase, other than a receipt and a monthly bill. No certificates. No invites to team functions. Nothing. Just a phone.

I'm betting this goes like any other purchase in that you rationalize the decision to make it seem like you made the best decision. Not just you, Samantha. We all do this. Whether it's phones or cars or where to eat dinner, we all justify our decisions to put ourselves in the best possible light in our own minds. But don't worry, it's just a phone. If you don't like it, you can always get a different one soon.

And if there are team gatherings and parties, please let my wife know.

Over Fake Internet Outrage

I'm officially over fake internet outrage. No more reading of comments on anything. People are complete idiots.

— Jerry Kern (@jerrykern5) May 5, 2015

Seriously, don't read the comments. 

Officiall a senior

Guys I'm officially a senior in college. Where does time go?

— Caitlin (@paynekxllers) May 5, 2015

First off, congratulations Caitlin. You're a senior, that's awesome, keep up the good work.

Now that you're a senior, we can now tell you the secret. Time goes forward. Second by second, minute by minute, day by day, it goes forward at the speed of life.

But you asked where it went?  If we remember Einstein's theory correctly, if you can travel the speed of light, time would essentially stop. But, presumably, you're not traveling the speed of light. So time, for us, simply goes by. Somewhere into the fabric of the universe. The actions we take simply vanish into the cosmos. Much like the actions of all those who have gone before us.

If it's not too late, we recommend a philosophy course during your senior year so you can learn about this and other important life questions.

Just left the DMV

Just left the DMV 😎 I'm officially 23 😝

— Z (@__Zaee) May 1, 2015

Since when is the DMV the official arbiter of  age? We've always kind of taken for granted that the earth's journey around the sun is what made someone officially an age. Z, here, for example, would be 23 because he's been on the planet for 23 trips around the sun. I'm not sure what the Department of Motor Vehicles has to do with this.

We're going to be like Lewis Black now, when he overheard "if it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college" and not be able to understand the connection between the two. Thanks, Z, for never letting us get a good night's sleep again