Nothing to wear

What: I've officially run out of outfits to wear to school isn't this tragic
Source: Twitter
Date: August 27, 2014

So my son's school started incredibly early, like August 1st early. And yet, despite the fact my kid has been in school for nearly a month at this point, he's not out of outfits to wear yet. It's not because we're fabulously wealthy and have 180 different outfits, one for each school day. No, it's because we do laundry. It's not all that hard. Time consuming and annoying to do, yes, but not difficult. You should try it.

But even beyond that, to call such a thing tragic is ludicrous. Tragedy is just comedy minus time.* There's nothing comedic about running out of outfits. I mean, I guess if you showed up to school in nothing but your underwear like that dream everyone says they have but no one actually has ever had, that might be comedic. But standing in front of your closet and not likeing what you have is not tragic and there's no amount of time that can be added to that situation to ever make it funny.

*If Comedy = Tragedy + Time then, if my math is correct, Comedy - Time = Tragedy.

I'm Done

What: I’m officially done trying. If you want me in your life, you can come find me. Until then, continue treating me like I don’t exist.
Source: Twitter
Date: August 26, 2014

First off, no you're not. If you were officially done trying, you wouldn't go through the process of formalizing it. You'd just stop trying. You're like the guy in Monty Python and the Holy Grail wondering why the person carved "arrrgh" into the rock if he died while carving it. He wouldn't carve it, he would just say "arrrgh" and then die.* In this case, you're not done trying you're just looking for attention.

*"Perhaps he was dictating it" is the next line and even though I've seen it easily 50 times, I still laugh when he says it.

Secondly, you left no way of finding you. No name. No email or facebook address. Nothing. Kind of hard to come find you when you don't leave a forwarding address. That said, since I have no idea who this person is and didn't know he or she existed until about 10 minutes ago, I think I probably will go on treating him like he doesn't exist. I can see where you think this is mean, but in my defense, he doesn't know I exist either.

16 Days Clean

What: on a more positive note, i am officially 16 days clean and i'm slowly feeling better
Source: Twitter
Date: August 22, 2014

 There's a lot of stupid stuff people make official on social media. You need to do no more than look at anything else I've written on here to see that. But let's take a moment and celebrate this person who is working to overcome an addiction. I've done no research on this person. I didn't go back and look to see what she was addicted to or if she posted what ultimately led her to stop whatever it was she was doing. But kudos to her for taking the step to make herself better.

All that said, 16 days seems an strange time frame to make official. I understand the "one day at a time" thing and fully support anyone who is battling addiction. And those making that fight probably should celebrate each day, especially at the beginning. But why 16? Again, I didn't check, but did she make it official at a week? A fortnight? It's likely I'll never check back on this person again, so I hope she stays clean.

House of Vomit

Happy Birthday Tim.

What: My house is the official house of vomit...happy birthday, Tim.
Source: Facebook
Date: August 17, 2014

Your guess is as good as mine. Happy belated birthday Tim.

Cornhole

What: Officially won a game of cornhole!!!!
Source: Facebook
Date: August 16, 2014

This wasn't just any win, friends. This was an official win. Presumably it was part of some sort of officially sanctioned cornhole competition complete with the playing area marked appropriately, judges supervising the event and whatever else you need to make a cornhole game official. The beanbags were each weighed to ensure they met international standards. The cornhole surface was examined so that it met regulations. If the boards weren't at just the right angle to the ground, the whole endeavor would have been for naught.

Or, and this is also a possibility, it was just a friendly game of cornhole in someone's backyard, beer in hand and good conversation while meat is grilled and the kids run around and have a good time. But then it wouldn't be official and the whole status would be a lie and if there's one thing I do know, it's that no one ever lies on the internet.

Jennette

Not Jennette.
Well, there's an incredibly small chance it's her, but probably not.
I just googled "random girl" and went down a few pages and found this pic.

What's been made official: "I've officially lost every ounce of little respect I had for Jennette. she's getting really pathetic & I'm done tolerating w people like her"
Source: Twitter
Date: August 14, 2014

I have no idea who Jennette is, what she's done that is considered pathetic, and why the person who posted this was tolerating her in the first place. Nor do I know how much respect the poster had to begin with before losing "every ounce of little respect" she had. I mean, if she had, say, two ounces of respect, it seems like a bit much to go through the formality of making it official that you've lost that small amount. Why not just lose the respect and not bother to let the world know? (Aside from the fact that if people started doing that this blog would cease to exist.)

And sadly, I have no way of finding out who Jennette is and what her reaction to this is. Is she upset? Does she care? Does it bother her that she's lost the respect of someone who can't even use proper capitalization in her tweets? Why has she been getting really pathetic? So many unanswered questions. Sometimes 140 characters just isn't enough.

All moved out

What's been made official: "I'm officially all moved out and in my new apartment."
Source: Twitter
Date: August 14, 2014

Moving is stressful. I've been fortunate and haven't moved all that often, but I did help my then girlfriend (now wife) move several times when we were in college. I hated it. And I hated when we moved. I detested the process of boxing up all of of my worldly possessions and loading them into a truck and then unpacking them all. It sucked.

But this gentleman who moved in to his new apartment got something I never did. He apparently got some sort of formal recognition for his move. I know when I've moved, there was never any sort of official declaration that it was complete. We just all kind of looked around and said "that's good enough for now. Who wants pizza?" I'm imagining some sort of certificate or plaque he can hang on his new apartment wall recognizing the accomplishment.

Robin Williams is an *******

What's been made official: Robin Williams is an *******
 Source: Faceook
Date: August 11, 2014

If I'd asked anyone yesterday, using that expletive to describe Robin Willliams wouldn't have been on anyone's mind. But the star's suicide brought out different reactions from different people. On twitter, I saw mostly shock, sadness and warnings about the destructive nature of depression and requests for people to get help.

Facebook was mostly a mix of shock and disbelief, but one of my friends took the occasion to make official that Robin Williams is, indeed, an *******. In the ensuing discussion, the person went on to say it was part of the stages of grief and he'd apologize should Williams' family happen upon his facebook message, but wrote " If someone I like/care about does something to piss me off, guess what? Their (sic) an ******* (at least temporarily.)" 

UPDATE: I went to go get a screenshot of the post, but it turns out the poster who officially declared Robin Williams an ******* has deleted the post from Facebook. However, our policy (just now instituted) is that it was made official at one point, so I'm keeping my post up.